One Year Diabetaversary

Today marks one year since Ryan was diagnosed with Type One Diabetes and our world was forever changed.
  I'm really crappy about keeping up with this blog considering the last time I wrote was November but life gets busy and to be honest I didn't have the right words to express what I felt anyhow.
  To say it has been a rough year would be an extreme understatement. I've never known Fear and Anxiety the way I've gotten to know them over the past twelve months. We are close friends now. I looked in the mirror last week and realized that I had let myself go in such an outstanding way that I could probably audition for the new season of American Horror Story: Freak Show.
  I've gained weight (EAT ALL YOUR FEELINGS!), I wear my hair in a ponytail or bun nearly every day, I'm rocking the ombre look on accident AKA I've got some roots that need attention, and I've started leaving the house without makeup or sometimes, without even looking in a mirror at all.
  I don't know if this is normal behavior or if I am handling this all so ungracefully as to be epic, but there it is...the cold, hard, truth.
  So, I am currently trying to pull myself out of this rut I have dug for myself and pay closer attention to my own health and needs as well as juggle everything that comes with having a 7 year old with diabetes.
  Lately, instead of things being easier to control, Ryan's sugars have been higher than usual and hard to keep in the normal range. After a weekend spent in Lafayette with friends who also have a T1D son, I've decided its time for a pump. Let's shake things up around here all over the place, right?!
  This will mean that my family will have to learn a whole new way of taking care of Ryan but hopefully it will make things easier and less painful for him since there will be no more injections. I will attempt to write about the switch over in order to help those that may be considering the same and want to know the dirty truth of the matter.

  When I would think about this date over the past months, the one year anniversary, I would wonder to myself about how things would be different or how they wouldn't be.
  To be honest, I may know more now but it's still not easy. I still think about it every minute of the day. I still question my every action. I still hate giving injections and finger pricks because, even though he doesn't complain as much anymore, he still feels pain and that kills me every time. I still worry while he is at school. I still hate endocrinology appointments and all the lab work because I know how much Ry hates it and because it just freaking sucks.
  But we trudge on everyday, doing what we have to do in order to keep him healthy. Some days are better than others as with anything...and some days I want to crawl into a hole and sleep for a few months. I try to remind myself on those days that it could be so much worse. I could be one of the parents that has a sick chid with no treatment options and an hourglass that is running out of sand. I pray for those parents because I can't even fathom it. But I pray for Ry too, and all the other families that are coping with T1D everyday.
  I know I sound very doom and gloom so I feel like I should also say that it's not all thunder clouds over our heads and piss in our cereal everyday...it really isn't. This year we took Ryan to the beach. It was magical watching him see the ocean for the first time...though getting him to leave the beach was a different story. Meltdown central...the boy loves the water. But a year ago I wouldn't have even thought about traveling with him all the way to Florida. The very idea of it scared me to death. What if this happens, what if that happens, what if I forget this or that, we will be so far away from his doctors, this will be so difficult, and on and on. But it was fine, great even, and he had the time of his life.

  We've been to birthday parties and played at the park. He's seen a monster truck show and every kid movie that came out in the theater...while eating popcorn (his fav). He went on his first fishing trip in a boat and spent hours playing in a pool with his friends. He graduated from Kindergarten, had his tonsils taken out, and camped out in the back yard with his dad. All the things that any non diabetic child can do...Ryan can do as well.  We just have to plan ahead, pack all his supplies, and check his sugars.
  This year I would like to sign him up for karate and swimming lessons. I avoided sports last year out of fear but I think we are ready to get back in the game again...and try out new things too.

Ryan and his daddy fishing

7th birthday party

Ryan and my mom at the theater

  I can also say that we don't have to worry about a lot of the "firsts" in the second year. The first Halloween, the first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas and New Years, and his birthday party, etc...etc... Been there done that...bring it on.

So for those that might still be in that first year haze, don't fret. One day you will open your eyes and see things clearly and start to put the pieces back together again only in a different pattern than before. And for those that never got in a haze, for those that still managed to fix their hair everyday and go about life as usual only with more equipment...stay awesome. You're doing it right too. Because I don't really know if there is a wrong way to go through this experience emotionally. You just get through it and while you are working it out, life happens anyway.

 Childhood happens anyway. 

On September 13th we will be walking for the cure. If you would like to donate to our team here is the link. 

http://www2.jdrf.org/site/TR?fr_id=3958&pg=team&team_id=157423

Any little bit helps. I hope that one day Ryan can say he used to have diabetes. 

XOXOX

High Blood Sugar vs The Tooth Fairy

  Last night was stressful.

At 10:30, Yvette, my Anxiety Monster decided to claw at the insides of my brain. Yes, I have named my anxiety. She is cruel and can pop up for any reason at any time of the day or night.

  Once Yvette prevented me from leaving the house because I got so worked up over holiday traffic on Airline Dr that I decided something terrible would happen if I was to attempt a shopping trip. So instead I laid in bed for an hour and cried about everything that was wrong with my life.

Yvette is a terrible drag.

  Anyway, Yvette started to freak out about Ryan's blood sugar. It had been high at lunch but not so bad before dinner. I even checked his ketones when he got home from school and they were negative.

 Normally, either the husband or I would check him around two in the morning just to be sure that everything was ok while he slept. We do this about three times a week as instructed by the PICU doctors and almost every child diabetes book I've read.

But since Yvette insisted, I checked him at 10:30.

It was 399.

For those that don't know, a normal range for a child Ryan's age is 80-120. He hasn't really been in the normal range often since leaving the hospital and I hope to resolve this issue once we visit the pediatric endocrinologist on Thursday afternoon. That being said, 399 is still very high.

So Yvette fist pumped in victory and I tried not to panic.

I woke him up and gave him water, persuaded him to use the bathroom, and then 20 minutes later checked him again.

386.

I gave him more water, paced around the house, and played a Facebook game for  20 more minutes before another finger prick.

370.

At some point during the water drinking and the blood checking I thought about the fact that Ryan had lost a tooth that morning.

As most parents and former children know, losing a tooth is huge to a kid and their prime source of income. It's a big deal.

Ryan had lost his tooth...literally. We have no idea where the little chiclet ended up. My guess is that he swallowed it either in his sleep or with breakfast. I told him it was no big deal, we would write a note explaining the situation to the Tooth Fairy and surely everything would be fine.

So as Ryan lay in bed with sore fingers and a full belly of water, I wrote a letter and stuck it into his tooth pillow after making sure my words suited him. He is a very lax editor and agreed that what I wrote down was good enough. Probably because he can't really read.

  After realizing that his sugar was steadily dropping and remembering the Tooth Fairy letter, Yvette and I decided it would be ok to go to bed. And by go to bed I mean lay in bed and stare at the ceiling for a while.

  Eventually I did fall asleep just to wake up late the next morning. I rushed around trying to get Ryan's insulin injections done, his breakfast in front of him, his school uniform on straight, teeth and hair brushed, shoes on his feet (can't forget those shoes),  and make myself presentable enough to drop him off at school without all the teachers talking about me after I left.

As I was brushing my teeth it hit me. I had forgotten to put money in the tooth pillow.

  Luckily, Ryan never remembers to check his pillow the night after a lost tooth and since he hadn't mentioned it I knew that it had slipped his mind this time as well.

  I should have been a Navy Seal... or a spy......... or Jason Bourne.

I snuck into my wallet, found a buck, crept into his room and replaced the letter with the dollar bill, tucking the letter in the back pocket of my jeans. As I was in his room I called to him, "Hey, Ry...have you checked your tooth pillow yet?"

He excitedly ran into his room and looked in the pillow, pulling out the money that I had placed inside seconds before and looked up at me with an expression of sheer amazement.

It's going to suck when he finds out that I'm the fairy but hopefully he will one day appreciate the super stealth skills I have genetically passed on to him when he has his own children to deceive with magical winged tooth thieves.

To prevent my mother from calling me and saying WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME?! HOW WAS HE THIS MORNING?!...I am happy to report that his sugar was 190 this morning, which is on the low end of the spectrum for Ryan at this point. And mom, I didn't call you at 11:30 at night because despite what Yvette says... I GOT THIS...probably.

Ry was happy, and bright eyed, and had a great appetite at breakfast. He complained about the impending nap time at school (as usual) and decided he would rather let his snack that day be a surprise. He informed me that I should refrain from telling him what it was only to later break and request that I spill the beans. It was chips, sugar free cookies, and water in case you were curious. (1 bag of chips @ 15g carbs + 3 Cookies @15g carbs = 2 carbs)

  I was in such a rush to get him to school on time that I nearly backed over a guy walking on the sidewalk in front of my house. I almost never run people over in my drive way. Other than that, the tooth fairy mishap, and the insulin injections it could have been a normal school morning of any kid, anywhere, in any house.

That is the goal. Keep it normal. Don't let them see you sweat.

I GOT THIS....probably.


Ps. The husband was there during Yvette's and my mutual freak out and assisted as much as I would let him. He has learned after nearly 10 years of marriage that I need to take care of things myself in some cases to ease the stress. I needed to see the numbers for myself, do the checks myself, and give the water myself to reassure my warped anxiety rattled brain that I have done everything I can do short of wizardry to help the situation. I'm weird. I accept it.

My little snaggle tooth boy.