Today marks one year since Ryan was diagnosed with Type One Diabetes and our world was forever changed.
I'm really crappy about keeping up with this blog considering the last time I wrote was November but life gets busy and to be honest I didn't have the right words to express what I felt anyhow.
To say it has been a rough year would be an extreme understatement. I've never known Fear and Anxiety the way I've gotten to know them over the past twelve months. We are close friends now. I looked in the mirror last week and realized that I had let myself go in such an outstanding way that I could probably audition for the new season of American Horror Story: Freak Show.
I've gained weight (EAT ALL YOUR FEELINGS!), I wear my hair in a ponytail or bun nearly every day, I'm rocking the ombre look on accident AKA I've got some roots that need attention, and I've started leaving the house without makeup or sometimes, without even looking in a mirror at all.
I don't know if this is normal behavior or if I am handling this all so ungracefully as to be epic, but there it is...the cold, hard, truth.
So, I am currently trying to pull myself out of this rut I have dug for myself and pay closer attention to my own health and needs as well as juggle everything that comes with having a 7 year old with diabetes.
Lately, instead of things being easier to control, Ryan's sugars have been higher than usual and hard to keep in the normal range. After a weekend spent in Lafayette with friends who also have a T1D son, I've decided its time for a pump. Let's shake things up around here all over the place, right?!
This will mean that my family will have to learn a whole new way of taking care of Ryan but hopefully it will make things easier and less painful for him since there will be no more injections. I will attempt to write about the switch over in order to help those that may be considering the same and want to know the dirty truth of the matter.
When I would think about this date over the past months, the one year anniversary, I would wonder to myself about how things would be different or how they wouldn't be.
To be honest, I may know more now but it's still not easy. I still think about it every minute of the day. I still question my every action. I still hate giving injections and finger pricks because, even though he doesn't complain as much anymore, he still feels pain and that kills me every time. I still worry while he is at school. I still hate endocrinology appointments and all the lab work because I know how much Ry hates it and because it just freaking sucks.
But we trudge on everyday, doing what we have to do in order to keep him healthy. Some days are better than others as with anything...and some days I want to crawl into a hole and sleep for a few months. I try to remind myself on those days that it could be so much worse. I could be one of the parents that has a sick chid with no treatment options and an hourglass that is running out of sand. I pray for those parents because I can't even fathom it. But I pray for Ry too, and all the other families that are coping with T1D everyday.
I know I sound very doom and gloom so I feel like I should also say that it's not all thunder clouds over our heads and piss in our cereal everyday...it really isn't. This year we took Ryan to the beach. It was magical watching him see the ocean for the first time...though getting him to leave the beach was a different story. Meltdown central...the boy loves the water. But a year ago I wouldn't have even thought about traveling with him all the way to Florida. The very idea of it scared me to death. What if this happens, what if that happens, what if I forget this or that, we will be so far away from his doctors, this will be so difficult, and on and on. But it was fine, great even, and he had the time of his life.
We've been to birthday parties and played at the park. He's seen a monster truck show and every kid movie that came out in the theater...while eating popcorn (his fav). He went on his first fishing trip in a boat and spent hours playing in a pool with his friends. He graduated from Kindergarten, had his tonsils taken out, and camped out in the back yard with his dad. All the things that any non diabetic child can do...Ryan can do as well. We just have to plan ahead, pack all his supplies, and check his sugars.
This year I would like to sign him up for karate and swimming lessons. I avoided sports last year out of fear but I think we are ready to get back in the game again...and try out new things too.
Ryan and his daddy fishing
7th birthday party
Ryan and my mom at the theater
I can also say that we don't have to worry about a lot of the "firsts" in the second year. The first Halloween, the first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas and New Years, and his birthday party, etc...etc... Been there done that...bring it on.
So for those that might still be in that first year haze, don't fret. One day you will open your eyes and see things clearly and start to put the pieces back together again only in a different pattern than before. And for those that never got in a haze, for those that still managed to fix their hair everyday and go about life as usual only with more equipment...stay awesome. You're doing it right too. Because I don't really know if there is a wrong way to go through this experience emotionally. You just get through it and while you are working it out, life happens anyway.
Childhood happens anyway.
On September 13th we will be walking for the cure. If you would like to donate to our team here is the link.
Any little bit helps. I hope that one day Ryan can say he used to have diabetes.
XOXOX
